I am sure that the hormones are getting to me, but lately I have experienced moments of extreme panic. This is an insane rant, so read at your own risk.
I had a dream last night that I lost the baby. Luckily, if that were to happen, it probably would have happened 12 weeks or before and we have heard a healthy heartbeat, so that is not incredibly likely. It just pains me inside that my subconscious would come up with that. Insane dreams are, from what I have read, very common among pregnant women. Luckily, lately, I have been feeling better (as in, not so sick- hope I am not speaking too soon), which is wonderful. I do not wish to be sick. However, when there are no symptoms, I feel very surreal and question- is everything okay? Is something wrong? How twisted is that? Deep inside, I know I should trust and let go. This is all just so weird. I also panicked the other day when I realized that I have never been around little boys, so if I am having one, I feel a little clueless and inept (understatement). PS- Everyone in Michael's family thinks this is a boy and they are not shy about it. Not that I wouldn't catch on, just- holy crap! What would I do with a boy? I am so girly and not at all athletic...pardon my stereotypes. Then I wonder why I am worried about this because I won't know until 11/3 anyway and whatever it is- it already is. Then, I move onto to my money panic. Another holy crap moment! It is already difficult to budget for the two of us. How will we do three and please say we can handle it well- because, as an only child, I'd planned to have more than one. I find myself going through my house wondering- what of value could I sell in hopes of securing a little extra funding. Not completely a bad thing (BTW- garage sale tomorrow.)
I really feel like I could go on and on about the preceeding things and about how my house is never clean and I can't get it that way or keep it that way to save my life- and that is just with the 2 of us! I worry that our insurance is not good enough, that I will have to spend too much time working and miss out on things, and that I have no idea who is going to watch my baby when I do have to go back to work.
The truth is, I am in one of those states of taking on too much when it desparately needs to be handed over to God and removed from this rant of worries that I have created. I have to stop worrying. Period. Meanwhile, it helps to put it all down in print. Now God, take it away!