Before Claire was born, I knew that I would nurse. I really didn't know if I would last long and set a goal of making it through the summer, perhaps a little longer. I wasn't sure that I was in love with the idea. I knew that I was anxious about modesty and worried that I would never truly be comfortable with it. However, I was determined to do it for a bit and really give it a chance.
In the hospital, Claire latched the first time and I thought, 'okay, she's going to be good at this- that's a start'. Still, I worried that this may not be for me. After all, I felt a little silly doing it and I certainly did not want to do it in front of anybody! When I tried to latch her again later, she seemed disinterested and was difficult to feed. I was immediately concerned! I couldn't feed my baby! I felt I may not last with nursing in the long run, but I was definitely not ready to start bottles of formula in the hospital! I wanted to exclusive nurse for a couple of months at least! It didn't seem like my milk had fully come in yet, but I thought that she would naturally desire to nurse already. The nurses tried glucose water (which is a joke), a nipple shield, varying positions, and even an informative video. I had nurses and doctors shoving my breast into my baby's face, which felt awkward and strange, but hey, I'd just given birth! Maybe it was time to put my inhibitions aside in light of the fact that I just had an entire medical team and entourage all up in my business! When it was time to leave the hospital, I still felt some panic that she had not eaten, but was reassured that she still had plenty of nutrients from the womb and would NOT starve. I was told that she would eat when she was hungry and sent on my way.
The first night home, she still seemed disinterested. Five days later, I finally had milk! Boy did I have milk! My goodness! Finally, she began to partake. Relief! My baby was eating! It was just an incredibly difficult adjustment for me. People would come over and I would feel like I had to run and hide in the bedroom every time she seemed hungry. I was embarrassed if certain people came over and I was nursing, even with a cover, completely unexposed. I don't know why, but I felt completely weird about what I was doing and other people knowing what was going on under that blanket. Ridiculous, in retrospect, but hind sight is 20/20. Meanwhile, it felt like Claire was hungry all the time. I was the only feeder for that time period and I felt completely consumed and exhausted. I was raw and irritated and latching sent a sharp pain through me. I was hating this. I felt so conflicted. I hated the idea of giving up because I truly thought it was best for Claire, but I could not stand the idea of going on any longer. I began to have constant and intense breast pain. I screamed when Claire latched. Then, I felt guilty when I screamed. After all, my poor baby had no idea how awful I felt. She just knew that she was hungry and needed me.
I started searching for answers as to why I was in so much pain and secretly praying that God would dry up my milk so I would be free from this chore without any guilt. Luckily, God had other things in mind. Everyone kept telling me that it got better, so I was afraid quitting then would be like dropping out of high school in the twelfth grade. If it was going to get better, I would be a fool to quit right before! My friend, Maggie, also a nursing mom, suggested I check out the forums on the La Leche League website. I headed to and read away. (note, I appreciated the information, but do not endorse all ideas as stated by the La Leche League). I decided to log on and post what I was going through. While I may not feel like I completely fit in with the LLL moms, they were a total blessing and Godsend in their replies to my post. They suggested that I may have thrush and should seek medical attention right away. I called my obstetrician, told the nurse everything and got a prescription and recommendation to try the nipple shield I received in the hospital. Giving both a try, I finally started to feel relief. The pain subsided and I felt accomplished in my goal of continuing on in the journey.
I was still struggling with constant feeding and modesty, but I was not ready to make a decision about starting formula, so I kept going. I was thrilled that my medicine and the shield had saved me from having to make a rash decision. I pumped and bottled when going out in public to avoid having to nurse in public. I seemed to have created a rhythm for myself and felt like I could make it to my goal of continuing through the summer.
Slowly, I started expanding my horizons by beginning to nurse in front of close friends instead of running and hiding in the other room. I began to feel like pumping and bottling was a pain. I would become engorged and have to pump immediately upon going home and Claire was sloppy with a bottle- milk everywhere! Why am I doing this? Why should I feel stupid about nursing my baby where ever I am? I started to feel empowered to begin nursing in public. It is a process, so I cannot say I am really fully there yet, but I am ready to be so bold! I have slowly started to do so and I am proud of the baby steps I have taken.
Initially, I had scoffed at the idea that nursing was a bonding experience. That is always the first thing people say when you tell them you are nursing. When the going was rough, I resented the suggestion. It just made me feel worse about my already negative opinion of nursing.
Finally, I understood. If you read my blog titled 'She Needs Me', it is explained that I was able to calm my sweet girl by nursing. After that, I began to have Michael bring her in to me in the morning and I nurse her lying down in my bed. Often, she (and I) fall asleep for her first nap of the day. She is so sweet when she sleeps! This time is my favorite of the day and will be sorely missed when I have to return to work.
After all this time, I finally began to view nursing as an experience and a journey, instead of an obligation and a chore. God answered my prayers. I began to feel like I could exceed my initial goal of 4-6 months. My husband, who has served as an amazing cheerleader through all the ups and downs, told me to 'go for it' as I told him of my desire to nurse through the first year. I CAN do it and I WILL figure out how to keep it up through my work schedule. Luckily, I feel that I have supportive bosses.
I have experienced naysaying and people who are sure I will fail or even prepared for me to fail, but I am too strong to let it get me down. I am determined.
Meanwhile, I appreciate any prayers in this journey. I know that I am placing my success in God's hands.
My sincerest thanks to Jill, Maggie, Mindy, and several others who gave me great advice and encouragement! I love you all! A special thanks to my husband for believing in me, feeling that I can and will succeed and supporting me when the going was rough.
(note- This is purely my perspective of my experience and is not meant to hurt anyone who made other decisions or were unable to nurse for whatever reason. I would be devastated if anyone was upset or felt judged. There is more than one way to be a great mom!)
Love,
Linds
ps- Above is a newborn pic of my baby girl and a recent pic. Look how big she's getting! She can roll from back to belly now!
Pretend like the lines of my sweater are straight and not accenting a small bulge. Cor and Claire look great though.
Daddy and Claire making each other laugh
