Sweet dreams, Sweet Pea

The time has come and I have accepted it. There are varying opinions on when and how this should occur, or if it should occur at all, but for some parents, it is necessary. We are among those parents.

It is no secret that Claire has been an awful sleeper since birth. In the early days, I remember her refusal to sleep combined with her refusal to be put down being taxing to the point of tears and causing me to exist in an out of body state where I met all of Claire's needs, but realized quickly that I was emotionally missing, not interacting with her and hating myself. That is truly what life on thirty minutes sleep is like. There were days that I realized she'd spent 20 of 24 hours in my arms! Michael and I were up all night offering food, diapers, and comfort every hour, on the hour. What was wrong with this kid? Why wouldn't she sleep- even for an hour!? I called the pediatrician frantically. Suggestions: let her sleep in her car seat, sleep in her bouncy chair, in her swing, anything except her stomach! My God, just thinking about stomach sleeping is a SIDS risk! Nothing was working. Swaddling? She made us think the Babies R Us pre-made swaddle blankets were working for a couple of nights. Could I actually start to feel human again? Sleep in my own bed? At the same time as my husband, no less?! Oh glorious 2 hour stretches of sleep! I was in heaven! Too good to be true? Absolutely. Our little fighter figured out how to bust right out of the swaddler and any swaddle we tried to make. I was devestated. Back to square one. Where did we end up from there? On the couch. We took shift sleeping with her on the couch. Awful! Uncomfortable and scary as she became increasingly wiggly. I was bound and determined to get her into her own bed and my husband and I back into ours.

After careful research, I stumbled upon The Miracle Blanket- 100% money back guarantee if your kid won't sleep in it! Anything is worth a shot. My mom and I ordered it ASAP with express shipping. Finally, it arrived. I carefully placed our sweet infant in her 'baby straight jacket' and promptly rocked her to sleep. Eureka! Four solid hours of sleep, on her back, in her crib! Would it last? Night after night, things had improved. I felt a little human again. I started to be able to enjoy my baby instead of resenting her and envying my friends with less high maintenance babies. (note- know that I love and have always loved my baby and wouldn't trade her.) This worked for several glorious weeks and my sweet girl, thriving and maturing, began to a) figure out how to bust out in the morning- oh no, could it hold her during the night still? b) the pouch started to become too short for her long legs. Crap! This has to keep working! I can't go back to sleeping on the couch! I can't do it!

I poured over infant sleep books. I subjected Michael to every suggestion and felt the walls close in. Had I failed? Had I done something that made her this way? My self esteem plummeted as Claire seemed to revert to old ways and wake frequently during the night. This was not healthy for any of us. After all, Claire was sleeping considerably less than the minimum recommended by pediatricians. She must be exhausted too! Michael and I argued over who should have to go comfort her when she awoke. We both swore as we stumbled out of the bedroom and down the hall. It seemed a far too common occurance that we would spend 20 plus minutes soothing her and laying her carefully in her crib, only to have her eyes pop wide wide open as she hit the mattress or worse, the second we climbed back into bed and thought we were in the clear. Foiled again!

Early on, the concept of letting her cry came up, only to be met with the cruel realization that she was too young. It felt things would never change. Slowly, I started to think she was getting old enough, smart enough, and mature enough to handle. I began to fear that if it did not take place sometime soon, we would end up two angry zombies with no time for each other and a fussy diva for a child. Finally, the other night, she woke up time after time, and I told Michael- she's ready. I was determined and formed a plan. Her bedtime routine would consist of a bath, diaper, feeding, comfort, and placing her (unswaddled) in her crib drowsy, but awake. She fussed and talked seemingly endlessly and finally began to cry. I hate this! Why couldn't something have worked so we wouldn't have to do this? I comforted her by going in, rubbing her tummy, kissing her and assuring her that I love her. I checked on her in intervals- every 3 minutes, twice, followed by 5, 10, 15 and at last! We did not make it to 20! I could not believe the sudden silence and went in to investigate. Fast asleep! No twisted swaddle, no eyes popping wide open, no walking on egg shells! She did it! I beamed with pride as I realized my fussy little girl had soothed herself! I walked back to my bed feeling a tremendous sense of relief. This was the right thing to do and she was ready. She went on to sleep 8 hours with only one 10 minute soothing session. Definately her record! She didn't even awake for her typical middle of the night feeding! I did not miss my time catching Family Matters and Fresh Prince runs on Nick at Night.

The next morning, I worried. What if she doesn't like me because I am the mean lady that wouldn't pick her up and rock her. She reassured me with a sweet smile. I figured, if nothing else, she has to like me! I have the milk!

Though it is hard, we are continuing on. Hopefully, it continue to go well. Soon, we will work on applying the technique to naps.

There are probably people out there that would try to make me feel guilty for this choice, however, it was the right choice for us and for our child.

If you have any insight, encouragement, or stories to share, I would love any comments. Above is a picture of Claire busting out of the 'straight jacket' swaddler with the money back guarantee! At least it worked for awhile! Usually, she broke her arms free too. Stinker! Total Stinker!