She needs me

It is easy, as a mother, to doubt yourself and fear that you are not doing things right. Unfortunately, I tend to fall into that category- particularly when I am really tired (anyone who reads this blog recognizes that that is most of the time...).

The other day, I brought Claire home from her tour of Uncle Dan's new house. She had not napped well, so I figured she was becoming overtired when she suddenly burst into hysterics. Anyone who has held a screaming baby can attest to the helplessness you feel and when you are exhausted, it just feels like a punch in the face. I walked her, I rocked her, I made every attempt at soothing and caring I could think of. Still, she screamed. I held her as she cried and actually cried with her. Desperate, I brought her to bed with me and snuggled her close as we both sobbed. Though it was a little early, I figured I would offer her milk and see if it calmed her down. She choked down the offering between occasional sobs and slowly began to calm down. Finally, we both fell asleep. A sleep we both desperately needed. When I awoke, she was still peacefully nuzzled against me. Her sleeping face is one of the single most indescribably lovely things I have ever seen. Though I was wake and less than comfortable, I was not going to move a muscle. I was just lying there, gazing at her. Suddenly, all the self doubt and my own personal assault of my mothering abilities just melted away. She just needed me. She didn't need me to do everything right, she didn't need me to have a perfect gasp of infant care from a famed author, she just needed me.

I feel, too often, mothers throw themselves under a bus. Motherhood is filled with complicated decisions and praying that these decisions will culminate in the best possible result for your child. There is much judgment surrounding- should you nurse or bottle feed, is it okay to let your baby cry, and on and on and on. I am planning to read this book sometime soon:

It is actually by the wife of Michael's favorite author, Michael Chabon. I saw her speak on television the other day and felt like she had channeled my thoughts.

From here on out, I need to remember that it is impossible and unnecessary to do everything just right. I need to know that, even though many of my friends who are also mothers appear to have it alltogether, they struggle too and it is okay. They are wonderful mothers and I pray that they realize it.

Meanwhile, regardless of shortcomings or my strengths, she needs me and that is all I really need.